Star Trek: Enterprise We Pick You Up!
by Lani Carmine
Summary: An emo, a drug dealer, an ex-KGB agent, a stuntman, dat ghetto-ass ho, and perhaps the only sane person on the ship: a Captain that was dropped on his head as a child, must work together to defeat the Spaceheads. The evil punk hipsters from a different dimension threaten to destroy all of pop culture as we know it, breaking any laws of nature that stand in their way...


**Disclaimer: If I owned Star Trek, Enterprise Rent-A-Car, or Thor, I'd be rich enough to have bought a working Microsoft Office program years ago. :P**

**AN: Sorry about the long, rambling sentences. I don't have a Beta Reader, and that's just my thing.**

~That's Unfortunate~

Commander and First Officer George Samuel Kirk Senior was not a man who scared easily. He'd been through shit storms like you wouldn't believe during his adventures in space; most of them were just arguments with his rather ditzy wife, but that's beside the point. Commander Kirk was scared, scared enough to make his own shit storm right there in his uniform.

A Huge-Ass Motherfucking Ship had just appeared in front of the USS Kelvin. They were just floating along, minding their own business, when someone picked up a strange reading, like a lightning storm in space. Soon after that, a giant plot hole opened, and BAM! –Instant HAMS. They'd had to evacuate the ship after a bunch of ice chunks had basically destroyed the USS Kelvin after the HAMS had tried to hail them… They really needed to fix that gag.

Now the Captain, what's-his-face, was dead from a heart-attack over the HAMS, his crew had abandoned ship, and he was still stuck there because his wife wasn't allowing him to sleep in the same escape pod since he hadn't yet apologized to her for making fun of her pregnancy cravings, and that was the last escape pod, dammit. Not that he would want to be on it anyway; she was screaming so loud it defied the laws of physics. If he could hear her struggling through labor in a vacuum, he'd hate to think what the nurses felt like.

Where were we? Oh yeah, scared shirtless… Anywho, a half-naked Commander Kirk, or rather, Captain Kirk now, stood, since his pants were too full to sit, at the console that controlled the USS Kelvin, trying not to be distracted by the AC/DC music the HAMS was, again with physics-defying volume, blasting across the vacuum. He had to save his wife, his new baby son, and his crew. Desperately he opened fire, pelting the HAMS with every weapon in his arsenal.

Thuderstruck hadn't even finished when red warning lights began flashing around him: the guns were overheated, and he was out of missiles. "DAMMIT, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE STAR WARS BATTLEFRONT?!" Captain Kirk slammed his fists onto the console. Something broke under one of his hands, and he lifted them to find a smashed keyboard labeled Directional Input. "Uh-oh… That looked important." Suddenly he looked up to realize that the ship was heading full tilt towards the HAMS; "RAMMING SPEED ACHIEVED."

"Aw, fu-

"COLLISION IMINENT."

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

-Meanwhile-

"I think we should name him Tiberius, honey, after your father, what do you think?" Winona was speaking into a communication device wired into the PA system throughout the entire ship, just to be sure he heard her.

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He didn't.

"Oh, well, if you're that insistent on it, dear, I suppose I can name him after my father, James. Yeah, that'll be a nicer name than Tiberius; that'd just get him picked on. OH! I know! We'll make that his middle name! That way he'll only be bullied a little bit!" Winona smiled, content

Seemingly proud with this decision, she handed the whatchamacallit and the communicator back to the nurses, settling in for a nap. A sudden shockwave from the collision of the USS Kelvin with the HAMS rattled both organic and inorganic matter of all shapes and sizes in their escape pods. Newly born James Tiberius Kirk flew from the arms of the nurse who delivered him, finding himself face-to-face with his soon-to-be eternal foe: the floor. SMACK!

Floor- 1; Kirk- 0

Winona shot up in bed, panicking over the state of her poor infant that'd just lost a fight with the vicious floor. Silly baby, didn't he know _never_ to fight with his face! The nurse came and picked him up, examining him for any bruises. He had a concussion, but was he… smiling? The nurses blinked at each other.

"Well, damn."

"COMMUNICATIONS WITH THE USS KELVIN HAVE BEEN TERMINATED."

Winona gasped. "Computer, scan for any life forms!"

"NO LIFE DETECTED."

"That's unfortunate…" Winona, weeping, smacked the rude nurse, causing her to drop the baby again.

-Meanwhile-

"You've got to be joking. Father that cannot have been me in a past life." Thor grumbled, looking disbelievingly at Odin Allfather

"It is true, my son, and it is those actions that have allowed you to be promoted to a god in your current life."

"Pffft!" Thor stomped angrily out of the library.

Odin sighed. That boy was way too arrogant for his own good. Maybe he should do something about that…? "Nah. He'll grow out of it."


End file.
